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Friday, July 10 : Comeback Queens: Butch & Bellie Return!

by Sarah Fones

Comeback talk has revolved around one Whitney Houston for some time now, and god willing, fingers crossed, that album WILL drop in September. But let us defer for a moment to an admittedly sexier, arguably saner act: Butch & Bellie, Brooklyn-based gay rap duo non pareil and the real comeback queens for 2009. They’re campy, crude, and über-talented. Sonically, the Beastie Boys comparisons are both inevitable and warranted; a roster of equally stellar guest emcees adds a dash of Wu Tang to the mix. I’ll throw in some Cher and Spank Rock too for good measure. Intrigued? You should be. Go see them this SATURDAY, JULY 11th at LIT LOUNGE!!!!

INTERVIEW BELOW!

In the meantime, check out their lyrical prowess (and their MySpace). A sampling:

From “Curtains”
Bellie
Kevin Federline
Get the fuck out the line
Your 15 is up and it’s about time
to let some real rappers rhyme

Butch
Gilmmer and glam like the high school car wash
really dope jams like a lyrical goulash
Every time I look at Butch & Bellie in the mirror
The future and horizons of the rap game they get clearer

Bellie
Ladies and Gents
Faggots and Straights
Listen up to the all time greats!

Butch
Aretha? Marvin Gaye?

Bellie
Nah! It’s Butch & Bellie
We ain’t that loose like a bitch named Nelly

Butch
We’re a super dooper hella cool killer rap team

Bellie
Every rapper on the scene I know how to make him cream

Butch
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BUTCH & BELLIE
Everybody in the crowd get smelly
After the show free samples on this jelly

I spoke with one half of B&B, the fabulous Mr. Butch Beurre-Blanc. Here’s what he had to say re: fame, icons, and not so famous, decidedly non-iconic ersatz rapper Brian Austin Green.

How long have you and Bellie been in the game?

We met in summer camp in 1991, later rapping in many a hotbox from the early years of high school on. In 2005 I began a career under the mic name Egg and Cheese. Then we came together to do a collabo, and went out for sushi and met DJ Diamond Eagle and he gave us the miraculous beats that you hear today.

In addition to you and Bellie, the act is comprised of DJ Diamond Eagle, Kaylamodda, DJ Pretty Hair, Tic Tac and Heidi Ho. How did you find one another?

It was really people that we just knew in New York City. Tic Tac is actually my sister. It’s never been tested via DNA, so we can’t be completely sure. Heidi Ho is someone who went to university with me. Kaylamodda is just like–I don’t know anyone in Brooklyn who doesn’t know Kaylamodda.

Eminem’s one of the very few talented, well-known white rappers. Your take?

I’ll refer you to a quote from Bellie: “8 Mile was actually a pretty good movie, and the sex scene with Brittany Murphy was really good.” I will say to Eminem’s credit–I like how he teabagged Brüno.

What about Brian Austin Green, aka “David Silver” from 90210? He had that um, space-themed video, “You Send Me?”

Upon viewing Mr. Austin Green’s video, my first thought is that I would bang him. My attraction to him lies in vein of a fantasized animalistic sweat fuck with an individual too dense to understand exactly what is going on. I can’t comprehend why he is lifting weights in a Los Angeles planetarium, but that confusion does not inhibit me from being turned on by his hot hot bod.

In terms of rapping skills, he seems to be acting like the Pharcyde, but success, she keep on passin him by. Like a blender, his voice is on frapp`e. Brian’s concerned with some space lady and his voice is just whiny enough to take my caffeine headache to a splitting new level, the very solar system she inhabits.

I hope one day that Brian could be like a Princess Laia to the Jaba the Hut that is Butch & Bellie. He could be mostly naked and chained to something in my immediate vicinity. I wouldn’t be mean. He could say things from time to time. Maybe even rap.

Who are some of your non-white, non-gay icons?

I really like–and this is gonna sound strange–DMX, even though he’s insane and a homophobe. He’s the kind of person who’s so crazy he actually thinks he’s a pit bull or dog and I find that kind of anthropomorphism inspiring. I also like Slick Rick, Ludacris–rappers who have this playful spirit to them. Initially, in a lot of early rap, ’seriousness’ predominated. But then there are some people in the game who take it so seriously, like DMX, who just don’t even know that they are in fact being conjured to absurdity by like, mental illness.

Tell me about your pre-performance rituals:

Generally it involves tequila. Growing up a big inspiration to me was the movie What’s Love Got To Do With It? When Tina first left Ike she did this thing called nomyaynomnana so I do that before each show. I do a number of nomyays. Bellie usually just uses the Gold Bond powder in his midsection region because he has jock itch. Kayla will work on makeup and do dances and generally smoke a little opium before each show.

Can you envision one day playing MSG and charging $300 a ticket?

Oh yes, definitely.

Say you’re headlining a series of concerts across the country and you need an opening act. Who would be your ideal tourmates?

Aretha Franklin, Lil’ Wayne, or Fleetwood Mac (all of these would be accompanied by the Harlem Boys Choir).

Five words or less to describe the following “artists”:

Lady GaGa: Love her foot piano playing.

Jermaine Jackson: Who dat?

Celine Dion: Luke warm lay.

Da Brat: Most successful lesbian midget ever.

+Sarah+

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Sunday, March 15 : Bottling A Borough: Bond No. 9’s Brooklyn

by Sarah Fones

Provided your trip didn’t originate in a similarly arid clime, disembarking from a flight to Los Angeles can be disconcerting, olfactorily speaking. Unless you’re accustomed to it, or never take the mundane into account, you don’t smell anything. Once out in the open, you may catch fleeting whiffs of diesel fumes; the ocean, if you’re far enough west; food, emanating from a taco truck. The scent of desperation specifically indigenous to L.A. lingers west of La Brea and north of Olympic all the way to the Pacific. It’s sweaty, occasionally fruity, never sexy.

I love L.A., (ok, sometimes) but the smell thing always bugged me. New York is a pretty smelly city, which I often find perversely refreshing as opposed to nauseating. I associate urban scents, both good and bad, with life, energy, things happening. Given all the neighborhoods and enclaves, the sheer number of people who call it home, and all the crazy s**t that goes down here, I think it’s more or less impossible to capture “eau de New York.” Some, including Carolina Hererra, have tried, with 212 (more like 10021) but again, you’re speaking to a very specific customer.

Turns out Bond No. 9 did too, literally, though I haven’t smelled it and therefore can’t attest to its veritable New York-iness. Bond first came to my attention while living in L.A., ironically enough. From a marketing standpoint, the whole “every neighborhood has a distinct essence” conceit intrigued me. The fragrances themselves didn’t always bowl me over, but I vaguely recall not minding Chinatown and Chelsea Flowers, for a few hours anyway.

According to the company, “The Bond No. 9 collection — 34 women’s, men’s, and unisex eaux de parfum — has a dual mission: To restore artistry to perfumery, and to mark every New York neighborhood with a scent of its own. Each fragrance represents a specific downtown, midtown, or uptown locale or a city-wide sensibility. With new introductions in the coming seasons, Bond No. 9 infuses the island of Manhattan with scents.”

And now…it’s outer-borough time! Bond’s latest offering, simply called Brooklyn, is theoretically geared toward those dwelling in the (sorry) “hipster” trifecta of Williamsburg/Bushwick/Greenpoint. In reality, the overwhelming majority of said denizens would be loath to fork over $145 for 50ml. Even uh, independently wealthy Williamsburgers would likely dismiss it as bourgeois. And perhaps slightly…lame? Imagine a hot sleepover turning awkward once that graffiti-logo-ed bottle is spotted on your dresser! What does Bond have to say about its newest product?

“Brooklyn is changing. New York’s legendary city within a city, home to a century or more of strivers, dreamers, and Nobel laureates, is reinventing itself, neighborhood by neighborhood, as an edgy metropolis. Sure, for a while there Brooklyn was a necessary second choice for the real estate-challenged Millennials seeking affordable rents and more square footage than formidable Manhattan could offer. But now — a whole new story. Today’s Brooklyn is preferable to a new generation of artistic émigrés. This is where the artists and musicians choose to move. It’s home to graffiti-ists, gaffers, and key grips, to web designers and aspiring editors. This is where fashion stylists live. New York-bound hip-and-cool Seattle-ites prefer to move to Brooklyn; smart Stockholmers book their hotel rooms here.” (Italics and boldface theirs).

In their copywriter’s defense, there’s basically no way of not making this sound at least a little (way) cheesy. The product, likely masterminded by a team of older, unhip-to-hipster-ways Manhattanites, is intended for a crowd who shuns this sort of commercial endeavor–publicly at least. I predict a large percentage of those buying the fragrance will be from Europe and Asia…and New Jersey and Long Island, i.e. non-New Yorkers.

Ok, so what does it smell like? I’m no Chandler Burr, so here’s Bond’s description: “It’s officially a woody, spicy-filled oriental that mingles cardamom, geranium leaves, and cedarwood while grapefruit and juniper leaves accelerate the scent, and South American guaiacwood and leather.” I got some samples at Saturday’s Saks meet and greet/launch, which I tried out today. Though it’s billed as a unisex fragrance, I was distinctly aware of how much of a dude I felt like wearing it. Not that I was getting up close and personal with anyone at the laundromat, grocery store, or Bed Bath & Beyond.

After approximately five hours, Brooklyn became softer, kind of sweet and powdery. But really nice. The kind of fragrance you’d want to smell when you lean in really close to someone, only detectable in super-close proximity. The verdict: not for me, but hot, on the right guy…so long as he lies when you ask what it’s called.

+Sarah (sarahsfones@gmail.com)

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